Sixth Notebook – Paragraphs 1631-1640
1631. O Wound of Mercy, Heart of Jesus, hide me in Your depths as a drop of Your own blood, and do not let me out forever! Lock me in Your depths, and do You Yourself teach me to love You! Eternal Love, do You Yourself form my soul that it be made capable of returning Your love. O living Love, enable me to love You forever. I yearn to eternally reciprocate Your love. O Christ, a single gaze from You is dearer to me than a thousand worlds, than all heaven itself. Lord, You can make my soul capable of understanding completely who You are. I know and I believe that You can do all things; if You have deigned to give Yourself to me so generously, then I know that You can be even more generous. Bring me into an intimacy with You so far as it is possible for human nature to be brought …
J. M. J.
1632. The desires of my heart are so great and incomprehensible
That nothing can fill the abyss of my heart.
Even the most beautiful things, gathered from all over the world.
Would not for a moment fill Your place for me, O God.
With one glance, I penetrated the whole world,
And I found no other love like the love of my heart.
Therefore I looked into the world of eternity –
Because this one is too small for me.
My heart has desired the love of the Immortal One.
My heart has sensed that I am a royal child,
That I have found myself in exile, in a foreign land.
I see that the heavenly palace is my home;
Only there will I feel as in my own fatherland.
You Yourself have drawn my soul to You, O Lord;
O Eternal Word, You Yourself have stooped to me,
Giving my soul a deeper knowledge of Yourself.
Behold, the mystery of love for which You have created me!
Pure love has made me strong and brave.
I fear neither the seraphim nor the cherubim, standing with sword in hand,
And I pass over with ease where others tremble,
Because there is nothing to fear, there where love is the guide.
And suddenly the eye of my soul came to rest upon You,
O Lord Jesus Christ, stretched upon the Cross.
Here is my Love, with whom I will rest in my grave,
This is my Bridegroom, my incomprehensible Lord and God.
[Here occurs a bigger space in the Diary.]
1633. March 10, . Continuous physical suffering. I am on the cross with Jesus. On one occasion, M. Superior [Irene] said to me, “It is a lack of love of neighbor on your part, Sister, that you eat something and then you suffer and disturb the others during their night’s rest.” Yet I know for sure that these pains which occur in my intestines are not all caused by food. The doctor [probably Dr. Silberg] has said the same thing. These sufferings come from the body itself, or rather are a visitation of the Lord. Nevertheless, after that remark I resolved to suffer in secret and not to ask for help, because it is of no avail anyway, since I throw up the medicines that are given to me.
Many a time, I have managed to suffer through attacks that were known only to Jesus. The pains are so violent and severe that they cause me to lose consciousness. When they cause me to faint, and I am drenched in cold sweat, then they gradually begin to go away. Sometimes they last three hours or more. O my Jesus, may Your holy will be done; I accept everything from Your hand. If I accept the delights and raptures of love to the point of becoming oblivious to what is going on around me, it is only right that I should accept with love these sufferings which cause me to faint.
1634. When the doctor (note241) came, I could not go down to the parlor to see him, like the other sisters, but asked that he come to my cell, because I could not go down due to a certain difficulty. After a while, he came to the cell and, having examined me, said, “I’ll tell everything to the Sister Infirmarian.” When the Sister Infirmarian came, after the doctor had left, I told her why I hadn’t been able to go down to the parlor, but she gave me to know how very displeased she was. And when I asked, “Sister, what did the doctor say about these pains?” she answered that he had said nothing, that it was nothing, that he had said the patient was just sulking. And with that she went off. Then I said to God, “Christ, give me strength and power to suffer; give to my heart a pure love for this sister.” After that, she did not look in on me again for a whole week. But the sufferings returned with great violence and lasted almost the whole night, and it seemed that it would be the end, then and there. The superiors decided to approach another doctor, (note242) and he ascertained that my condition was serious and said to me, “It will not be possible to return you to good health. We can remedy your condition partially, but complete recovery is out of question.” He prescribed a medicine for the pains, and after I had taken it, the major attacks did not return. “But if you come here, Sister, we will try to patch up your health somehow, if that is still possible.” The doctor very much wanted me to go there for a treatment. (note243) O my Jesus, how strange are Your decrees!
1635. Jesus orders me to write all this for the consolation of other souls who will often be exposed to similar sufferings.
1636. Although I was feeling very weak, I went to see the doctor [Silberg], because that was the superior’s will. The sister who was my companion was very unhappy about this. She made this known to me several times and finally said, “What are we going to do? I don’t have enough money to pay for the cab.” I answered nothing. “And what if there is no cab? How are we going to get there? It’s such a long way.” She said this and many other things just to worry me, because our dear superiors had given us enough money for everything, and we didn’t run short. And understanding this whole business within myself, I laughed and told sister that I was not worried one bit: “Let’s trust in God.” But I saw that my deep peace was getting on her nerves, and so I started to pray for her intention.
1637. O my Lord, all this is for You and to obtain mercy for poor sinners. When I returned, I was so very tired that I had to lie down right away. But it was the day for the quarterly confession. I tried to go to confession, not only because I had need to do so, but also to ask advice of my spiritual director [Father Andraszj. I began to prepare myself; however I felt so weak that I decided to go ask Mother Superior [Irene] to allow me to go before the novices. Mother Superior answered, “Go and look for the Directress of Novices [Sister Callista], If she allows you to go before the novices, it is all right with me.” However, there were only three sisters ahead of me, waiting for confession, and so I waited because I did not have enough strength to go and look for the Directress of Novices. When I went in to make my confession I was feeling so bad that I could not give an account of the condition of my soul; I barely managed to make my confession. At that point, I noted how much the spirit is needed; the letter itself does not make love grow [cf. 2 Cor. 3:6].
1638. On that day, there arose some misunderstandings between the Superior and myself. Neither she nor I was to blame, but moral suffering remained, because I could not explain the matter in question, since it was a secret. This was the reason why I suffered, even though, by a single word, I could have revealed the truth.
1639. The 20 th [of March], Today, in spirit, I accompanied a certain dying soul. I obtained trust in God’s mercy for her. The soul was near despair.
1640. This night is known only to You, O Lord. I have offered it for poor obdurate sinners, to obtain Your mercy for them. Scourge me here, burn me here, as long as You give me the souls of sinners, and especially O Jesus, with You nothing is lost; take everything and give me souls sinners.