Sixth Notebook – Paragraphs 1611-1620
1611. + When the chaplain [Father Theodore] brings me the Lord Jesus, there are moments when I am pervaded with a very vivid presence of God, and the Lord gives me to know His holiness. At such times, I see the smallest speck on my soul, and I would like to purify my soul before every Holy Communion. When I asked the confessor, he said there was no need to confess before every Holy Communion. Holy Communion takes away these tiny things and it is a temptation to think about confession when receiving Holy Communion. I did not go on to explain the condition of my soul in any greater detail, because he was not my director, but the confessor. (note237) This knowledge does not take up my time, because it is faster than lightning; it enkindles my love, leaving me with a knowledge of myself …
1612. + February 20, . Today the Lord said to me, I have need of your sufferings to rescue souls.
0 my Jesus, do with me as You please. I did not have the courage to ask the Lord Jesus for greater sufferings, because I had suffered so much the night before that I would not have been able to hear a drop more than what Jesus Himself gave me.
1613. Almost all night I had such violent pains that it seemed all my intestines were torn to pieces. I threw up the medicine I had taken. When I bowed my head down to the ground, I lost consciousness, and I stayed like that for some time, with my head on the floor. When I came to, I became aware that my whole body was pressing on my head and face, and that I was covered with vomit. I thought it would be the end of me. Dear Mother Superior [Irene] and Sister Tarcisia (note238) were trying to help me as best they could. Jesus demanded suffering, but not death. O my Jesus, do with me as You please. Only give me strength to suffer. Since Your strength supports me, I shall bear everything. O souls, how I love you!
1614. Today, one of the sisters [probably Sister Amelia (note239)] came to see me and said, “Sister, I have a strange feeling, as though something were telling me to come to you and commend to you certain problems of mine before you die, and that perhaps you will able to beseech the Lord Jesus and arrange these things for me. Something keeps telling me that you will be able to obtain this for me.” I answered her with equal frankness that, yes, I felt in my soul that after my death I would be able to obtain more from the Lord Jesus than at the present time. “I will remember you, Sister, before His throne.”
1615. When I entered the neighboring dormitory to visit the sisters who were ill, one of them said to me, “Sister, when you die I will not fear you at all. Come to see me after you die, because I want to confide to you a secret concerning my soul, something I want you to settle for me with the Lord Jesus. I know you can obtain this from Him.” Because she was speaking in public I answered her in this way: “The Lord Jesus is very discreet. And so He never betrays to anyone a secret that is between Him and a soul.”
1616. + O my Lord, thank You for conforming me to Yourself through immolation. I see that this earthly vessel is beginning to crumble. I rejoice in this, because soon I will be in my Father’s house [cf. Jn. 14:2].
1617. February 27, . Today, I went to confession to Father An. [Andrasz] I did as Jesus wanted. After confession, a surge of light filled my soul. Then I heard a voice: Because you are a child, you shall remain close to My Heart. Your simplicity is more pleasing to Me than your mortifications.
1618. Father An. [Andrasz’s] words: Live more by faith. Pray that the Divine Mercy become more widely known, and that the work may come into good hands that will manage it well. As for yourself, try to be a good religious here – although things may turn out that way also – but try to be a good religious right here. And now, if you feel those urgings from the Lord and recognize that it is He, follow them. Devote to prayer all the time that is set apart for it, and make your notations afterwards …
1619. + The last two days of carnival. (note240) My physical sufferings have intensified. I am uniting myself more closely with the suffering Savior, asking Him for mercy for the whole world, which is running riot in its wickedness. Throughout the day I felt the pain of the crown of thorns. When I lay down, I could not rest my head on the pillow. But at ten o’clock the pains ceased, and I feel asleep; but the next day I felt very exhausted.
1620. + Jesus-Host, if You Yourself did not sustain me, I would not be able to persevere on the cross. I would not be able to endure so much suffering. But the power of Your grace maintains me on a higher level and makes my sufferings meritorious. You give me strength always to move forward and to gain heaven by force and to have love in my heart for those from whom I suffer adversities and contempt. With Your grace one can do all things.