Fifth Notebook – Paragraphs 1551-1560
1551. In the meditation on death, I asked the Lord to deign to fill my heart with those sentiments which I will have at the moment of my death. And through God’s grace I received an interior reply that I had done what was within my power and so could be at peace. At that moment, such profound gratitude to God was awakened in my soul that I burst into tears of joy like a little child. I prepared to receive Holy Communion next morning as “viaticum,” and I said the prayers of the dying (note233) for my own intention.
1552. Then I heard the words: As you are united with Me in life, so will you be united at the moment of death. After these words, such great trust in God’s great mercy was awakened in my soul that, even if I had had the sins of the whole world, as well as the sins of all the condemned souls weighing on my conscience, I would not have doubted God’s goodness but, without hesitation, would have thrown myself into the abyss of the divine mercy, which is always open to us; and, with a heart crushed to dust, I would have cast myself at His feet, abandoning myself totally to His holy will, which is mercy itself.
1553. O my Jesus, Life of my soul, my Life, my Savior, my sweetest Bridegroom, and at the same time my Judge, You know that in this last hour of mine I do not count on any merits of my own, but only on Your mercy. Even as of today, I immerse myself totally in the abyss of Your mercy, which is always open to every soul.
O my Jesus, I have only one task to carry out in my lifetime, in death, and throughout eternity, and that is to adore Your incomprehensible mercy. No mind, either of angel or of man, will ever fathom the mysteries of your mercy, O God. The angels are lost in amazement before the mystery of divine mercy, but cannot comprehend it. Everything that has come from the Creator’s hand is contained in this inconceivable mystery; that is to say, in the very depths of His tender mercy. When I meditate on this, my spirit swoons, and my heart dissolves in joy. O Jesus, it is through Your most compassionate Heart, as through a crystal, that the rays of divine mercy have come to us.
1554. February 1, . Today I am feeling a little worse, physically, but I am still taking part in the common life [prayers, meals, and recreation], I am making great efforts, known to You alone, Jesus. In the refectory today, I did not think I would last until the end of the meal. Every mouthful causes me extreme pain.
1555. When Mother S. [Irene] visited me a week ago, she said, “You catch every sickness, Sister, because your system is so weak, but that is not your fault. In fact, if any other sister had that same sickness, she would certainly be walking around; whereas you, Sister, must stay in bed!!” These words did not hurt me, but it is better not to make such comparisons with very sick persons, because their cup is full enough as it is. Another thing: when sisters visit the sick, they should not ask in detail every time, “What is hurting you, and how does it hurt?” because it is very tiresome to keep telling each sister the same thing about oneself. And it sometimes happens that one must repeat the same thing over and over many times a day.
1556. When I had gone to the chapel for a moment, the Lord gave me to know that, among His chosen ones, there are some who are especially chosen, and whom He calls to a higher form of holiness, to exceptional union with Him. These are seraphic souls, from whom God demands greater love than He does from others. Although all live in the same convent, yet He sometimes demands of a particular soul a greater degree of love. Such a soul understands this call, because God makes this known to it interiorly, but the soul may either follow this call or not. It depends on the soul itself whether it is faithful to these touches of the Holy Spirit, or whether it resists them. I have learned that there is a place in purgatory where souls will pay their debt to God for such transgressions; this kind of torment is the most difficult of all. The soul which is especially marked by God will be distinguished everywhere, whether in heaven or in purgatory or in hell. In heaven, it will be distinguished from other souls by greater glory and radiance and deeper knowledge of God. In purgatory, by greater pain, because it knows God more profoundly and desires Him more vehemently. In hell, it will suffer more profoundly than other souls, because it knows more fully whom it has lost. This indelible mark of God’s exclusive love, in the [soul], will not be obliterated.
1557. O Jesus, keep me in holy fear, so that I may not waste graces. Help me to be faithful to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit. Grant that my heart may burst for love of You, rather than I should neglect even one act of love for You.
1558. February 2, . Darkness of the soul. Today is the Feast of the Mother of God, and in my soul it is so dark. The Lord has hidden Himself, and I am alone, all alone. My mind has become so dimmed that I see only phantasms about me. Not a single ray of light penetrates my soul. I do not understand myself or those who speak to me. Frightful temptations regarding the holy faith assail me. O my Jesus, save me. I cannot say anything more. I cannot describe these things in detail, for I fear lest someone be scandalized on reading this. I am astounded that such torments could befall a soul. O hurricane, what are you doing to the boat of my heart? This storm has lasted the whole day and night.
When Mother Superior [Irene] came in to see me and asked, “Would you like to take advantage of this occasion, Sister, since Father An. [Andrasz] is coming to hear confessions?” I answered, no. It seemed to me that Father would not understand me, nor would I be able to make a confession.
I spent the whole night with Jesus in Gethsemane. From my breast there escaped one continuous moan. A natural dying will be much easier, because then one is in agony and will die; while here, one is in agony, but cannot die. O Jesus, I never thought such suffering could exist. Nothingness: that is the reality. O Jesus, save me! I believe in You will all my heart. So many times have I seen the radiance of Your face, and now, where are You, Lord?…. I believe, I believe, and again I believe in You, Triune God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and in all the truths which Your holy Church gives me to believe But the darkness does not recede, and my spirit plunges into even greater agony. And at that moment, such terrible torment overwhelmed me that now I am amazed at myself that I did not breathe my last, but this was for only a brief instant.
1559. At that moment I saw Jesus, and from His Heart there issued those same two rays, which enveloped me, whole and entire. At the same moment, all my torments vanished. My daughter, the Lord said, know that of yourself you are just what you have gone through, and it is only by My grace that you are a participant of eternal life and all the gifts I lavish on you. And with these words of the Lord, there came to me a true knowledge of myself. Jesus is giving me a lesson in deep humility and, at the same time, one of total trust in Him. My heart is reduced to dust and ashes, and even if all people were to trample me under their feet, I would still consider that a favor.
I feel and am, in fact, very deeply permeated with the knowledge that I am nothing, so that real humiliations will be a refreshment for me.
1560. February 3, . Today after Holy Communion, Jesus again gave me a few directives: First, do not fight against a temptation by yourself, but disclose it to the confessor at once, and then the temptation will lose all its force. Second, during these ordeals do not lose your peace; live in My presence; ask My Mother and the Saints for help. Third, have the certitude that I am looking at you and supporting you. Fourth, do not fear either struggles of the soul or any temptations, because I am supporting you; if only you are willing to fight, know that the victory is always on your side. Fifth, know that by fighting bravely you give Me great glory and amass merits for yourself. Temptation gives you a chance to show Me your fidelity.