Fifth Notebook – Paragraphs 1491-1500
1491. + The Lord visited me today and said, My daughter, do not be afraid of what will happen to you. I will give you nothing beyond your strength. You know the power of My grace; let that be enough. After these words, the Lord gave me a deeper understanding of the action of His grace.
1492. Before Holy Communion, Jesus gave me to understand that I should pay absolutely no attention to what a certain sister would say, because her cunning and malice were displeasing to Him. My daughter, do not speak to this person about either your views or your opinions. I begged the Lord’s pardon for what in that soul was displeasing to Him, and I begged Him to strengthen me with His grace when she would come to talk with me again. She has asked me about many things, to which I gave answer with all my sisterly love and, as evidence that I have spoken to her from the bottom of my heart, I have told her some things that came from my own experience. But her intentions were something quite different from the words on her lips …
1493. + O my Jesus, from the moment I gave myself completely to You, I have given no thought whatsoever for myself. You may do with me whatever You like. There is only one thing I think about; that is, what do You prefer; what can I do, O Lord, to please You. I listen and watch for each opportunity. It matters not if I am outwardly judged otherwise in this matter …
1494. January 15, 1938. Today, when the sister about whom the Lord warned me came to see me, I armed myself spiritually for battle. Although it cost me much, I did not depart one bit from what the Lord had commanded. But when an hour had gone by, and the sister made no move to go, I interiorly called upon Jesus to help. Then I heard a voice in my soul saying, Do not fear. I am watching you this very moment and am helping you. In a moment, I will send you two sisters who are coming to visit you, and then you will find it easy to continue the conversation. And at that moment two sisters entered, and then the conversation was much easier, even though it lasted for still another half hour.
1495. Oh, how good it is to call on Jesus for help during a conversation. Oh, how good it is, during a moment of peace, to beg for actual graces. I fear most of all this sort of confidential conversation; there is need of much divine light at times like this, in order to speak with profit, both for the other person’s soul, and for one’s own as well. God, however, comes to our aid; but we have to ask Him for it. Let no one trust too much in his own self.
1496. January 17, 1938. Today, since early in the morning, my soul has been in darkness. I cannot ascend to Jesus, and I feel as though I have been forsaken by Him. I will not turn to creatures for light, because I know that they will not enlighten me if Jesus wills to keep me in darkness. I submit myself to His holy will and suffer. Still, the struggle is becoming more and more desperate. During Vespers, I wanted to unite myself with the sisters through prayer.
1497. When I went, in my thoughts, to the chapel, my spirit was plunged into even greater darkness. Total discouragement came over me. Than I heard Satan’s voice: “See how contradictory everything is that Jesus gives to you: He tells you to found a convent, and then He gives you sickness; He tells you to set about establishing this Feast of Mercy while the whole world does not at all want such a feast. Why do you pray for this feast? It is so inopportune.” My soul remained silent and, by an act of will, continued to pray without entering into conversation with the Spirit of Darkness. Nevertheless, such an extraordinary disgust with life came over me that I had to make a great act of the will to consent to go on living. …
And again I heard the tempter’s words: “Ask for death for yourself, tomorrow after Holy Communion. God will hear you, for He has heard you so many times before and has given you that which you asked of Him.” I remained silent and, by an act of will, I began to pray, or rather, submitted myself to God, asking Him interiorly not to abandon me at this moment. It was already eleven o’clock at night, and there was silence all around. The sisters were all asleep in their cells, and my soul alone was struggling with great exertion.
The tempter went on: “Why should you bother about other souls? You ought to be praying only for yourself. As for sinners, they will be converted without your prayers. I see that you are suffering very much at this moment. I’m going to give you a piece of advice on which your happiness will depend: Never speak about God’s mercy and, in particular, do not encourage sinners to trust in God’s mercy, because they deserve a just punishment. Another very important thing: Do not tell your confessors, and especially this extraordinary confessor and the priest in Vilnius, about what goes on in your soul. I know them; I know who they are, and so I want to put you on your guard against them. You see, to live as good nun, it is sufficient to live like all the others. Why expose yourself to so many difficulties?”
1498. I remained silent, and by an act of will I dwelt in God, although a moan escaped from my heart. Finally, the tempter went away and I, exhausted, fell asleep immediately. In the morning, right after receiving Holy Communion, I went immediately to my cell and falling on my knees I renewed my act of submission in all things to the will of God. “Jesus, I ask You, give me the strength for battle. Let it be done to me according to Your most holy will. My soul is enamored of Your most holy will.”
1499. At that moment, I saw Jesus, who said, I am pleased with what you are doing. And you can continue to be at peace if you always do the best you can in respect to this work of mercy. Be absolutely as frank as possible with your confessor.
Satan gained nothing by tempting you, because you did not enter into conversation with him. Continue to act in this way. You gave Me great glory today by fighting so faithfully. Let it be confirmed and engraved on your heart that I am always with you, even if you don’t feel My presence at the time of battle.
1500. Today, the love of God is transporting me into the other world. I am all immersed in love; I love and feel that I am loved, and with full consciousness I experience this. My soul is drowning in the Lord, realizing the great Majesty of God and its own littleness; but through this knowledge my happiness increases…. This awareness is so vivid in the soul, so powerful and, at the same time, so sweet.