Fifth Notebook – Paragraphs 1451-1460
1451. + I am ending the old year with suffering and beginning the new one with suffering as well. Two days before the new year, I had to go to bed, I was feeling very bad, and a violent cough was weakening me. And together with this, a constant pain in my intestines and nausea had brought me to the point of exhaustion. Although I could not join in community prayer, (note224) I united myself spiritually with the whole community. When the sisters got up at eleven o’clock at night to keep vigil and welcome the New Year, I had been writhing in agony since nightfall, and this lasted until midnight. I was uniting my sufferings to the prayers of the sisters who were keeping vigil in the chapel and atoning to God for the offences of sinners.
1452. When the clock struck twelve, my soul immersed itself more deeply in recollection, and I heard a voice in my soul: Do not fear, My little child, you are not alone. Fight bravely, because My arm is supporting you; fight for the salvation of souls, exhorting them to trust in My mercy, as that is your task in this life and in the life to come. After these words, I received a deeper understanding of divine mercy. Only that soul who wants it will be damned, for God condemns no one.
1453. Today is the Feast of the New Year. I felt so bad in the morning that I barely managed to go to the next cell to receive Holy Communion. (note225) I could not go to Mass because I felt so sick, and I made my thanksgiving in bed too. I wanted so much to go to Mass and then to confession to Father Andrasz, but I felt so bad that I could go neither to Mass nor to confession. And because of this my soul suffered a good deal.
After breakfast, the Sister Infirmarian [Sister Chrysostom] came along and asked, “Sister, why didn’t you go to Mass?” IN answered that I couldn’t. She shook her head disdainfully and said, “Such a great Feast Day, Sister, and you don’t even go to Mass!” and she left my cell. I had been in bed for two days, writhing in pain, and she hadn’t visited me; and when she did come, on the third day, she did not even ask if I were able to get up, but asked irritably why I hadn’t got up for Mass. When I was alone, I tried to get up, but I was seized again with sickness, and so I stayed in bed with a calm conscience. Yet my heart had plenty to offer the Lord, joining itself spiritually to Him during the second Mass. After the second Mass, Sister Infirmarian returned to me, but this time in her capacity as infirmarian, and with a thermometer. But I had no fever, although I was seriously ill and unable to rise. So there was another sermon to tell me that I should not capitulate to illness. I answered her that I knew that here one was regarded as seriously ill only when one was in one’s last agony. However, knowing that she was about to give me a lecture, I replied that at the present time I was in no need of being incited to greater zeal. And once again, I remained alone in my cell.
My heart was crushed with sorrow, and bitterness flooded my soul, and I repeated these words: “Welcome New Year; welcome, cup of bitterness.” My Jesus, my heart is eager for You, and yet the gravity of my illness prevents me from participating physically in the community prayers, and I am suspected of being lazy. My sufferings are becoming greater. After dinner, Mother Superior [Irene] looked in for a moment, but she left very soon. I intended to ask to have Father Andrasz come to my cell to hear my confession, but I restrained myself from making the request for two reasons: first, not to give occasion for murmuring, as had happened above in respect to Holy Mass; and secondly, because I would not even be able to make the confession, since I felt I would burst into tears like a little child. A while later, one of the sisters came along and again reproved me: “There’s some milk with butter in the oven, Sister; why don’t you drink it?” I answered that there was no one to bring it to me.
1454. + When night fell, the physical sufferings increased and were joined by moral sufferings. Night and suffering. The solemn silence of the night made it possible for me to suffer freely. My body was stretched on the wood of the cross. I writhed in terrible pain until eleven o’clock. I went in spirit to the Tabernacle and uncovered the ciborium, leaning my head on the rim of the cup, and all my tears flowed silently toward the Heart of Him who alone understands what pain and suffering is. And I experienced the sweetness of this suffering, and my soul came to desire this sweet agony, which I would not have exchanged for all the world’s treasures. The Lord gave me strength of spirit and love towards those through whom these sufferings came. This then was the first day of the year.
1455. Also on this day I felt the prayer of a beautiful soul [probably Father Sopocko or Father Andrasz] who was praying for me and giving me, in spirit, his priestly blessing. I answered in return with my own ardent prayer.
1456. + O most gracious Lord, how merciful it is on Your part to judge each one according to his conscience and his discernment, and not according to people’s talk. My spirit delights and feeds more and more on Your wisdom, which I am getting to know more and more deeply. And in this, the vastness of Your mercy becomes more and more manifest to me. O my Jesus, the effect of all this knowledge on my soul is that I am being transformed into a flame of love towards You, my God.
1457. + January 2, 1938. As I was preparing for Holy Communion today, Jesus demanded that I should write more; not only about the graces which He grants me, but also about external matters, and this for the consolation of many souls.
1458. + After that night of suffering, when the priest [Father Matzanger (note226)] entered my cell with the lord Jesus, such fervor filled my whole being that I felt that if the priest had tarried a little longer, Jesus himself would have leaped out of his hand and come to me.
1459. After Holy Communion the Lord said to me, If the priest had not brought Me to you, I would have come Myself under the same species. My daughter, your sufferings of this night obtained the grace of mercy for an immense number of souls.
1460. + My daughter, I have something to tell you. I replied, “Speak, Jesus, for I thirst for Your words.” It displeases Me that, because the sisters were murmuring, you did not ask to have Father Andrasz hear your confession in your cell. Know that, because of this, you gave them even greater cause for murmuring. Very humbly I begged the Lord’s forgiveness, O my Master, rebuke me; do not overlook my faults, and do not let me err.