Fifth Notebook – Paragraphs 1341-1350
1341. When one’s health is poor, there is much one has to bear. For when one is ill, but not in bed, one is not considered to be ill. For many reasons, therefore, there are constant occasions for sacrifices, and sometimes big ones. I understand now that only in eternity will many things be revealed. But I also understand that if God demands a sacrifice, He does not withhold His grace, but gives it to the soul in abundance.
1342. My Jesus, let my sacrifice burn before Your throne in all silence, but with the full force of love, as I beg You to have mercy on souls.
1343. Third day. In the meditation on death, I prepared myself as if for real death. I examined my conscience and searched all my affairs at the approach of death and, thanks be to grace, my affairs were directed toward that ultimate goal. This filled my heart with great gratitude to God, and I resolved to serve my God even more faithfully in the future. One thing alone is necessary: to put my old self to death and to begin a new life. In the morning, I prepared to receive Holy Communion as if it were to be the last in my life, and after Holy Communion I brought before my imagination my actual death, and I said the prayers for the dying and then the De Profundis for my own soul. My body was lowered into the grave, and I said to my soul, “See what has become of your body, a heap of dirt teeming with vermin – that is your inheritance.”
1344. O merciful God, who still allow me to live, give me strength that I may live a new life, the life of the spirit, over which death has no dominion. And with that, my heart was renewed, and I began a new life while still here on earth, a life of love of God. Nevertheless, I do not forget that I am weakness itself, though I do not doubt even for a moment that I will obtain the help of Your grace, O God.
1345. + Fourth day. O Jesus, I have been feeling extraordinarily well, close to Your Heart, during this retreat. Nothing disturbs the depths of my peace. With one eye, I gaze on the abyss of my misery, and with the other, on the abyss of Your mercy.
1346. During Holy Mass, which was celebrated by Father Andrasz, I saw the Infant Jesus who, with hands outstretched toward us, was sitting in the chalice being used at Holy Mass. After gazing at me penetratingly, He spoke these words: As you see Me in this chalice, so I dwell in your heart.
1347. + Holy Confession. After giving an account of my conscience, I was given the permission I asked for: To wear the bracelet for half an hour every day during Holy Mass, and in times of difficulty, to wear the belt for two hours. [Father said,] “Sister, persevere in this great faithfulness to the Lord Jesus.”
1348. Fifth day. When I entered the chapel this morning, I learned that Mother Superior has had some trouble on my account. This hurt me very much. After Holy Communion, I leaned my head on the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus and said, “O my Lord, I beg You, let all the consolation that I am experiencing through Your presence in my heart be poured out into the soul of my dear Mother Superior, who has had some trouble because of me, and this involuntarily on my part.”
1349. Jesus comforted me, saying that both our souls had benefited from this. But I begged the Lord to deign to spare me from being the occasion of anyone’s suffering, as my heart could not bear this.
1350. O white Host, You preserve my soul in whiteness; I fear the day when I might forsake You. You are the Bread of Angels, and thus also the Bread of Virgins.