Third Notebook – Paragraphs 1111-1120
1111. Today is the renewal; that is, the profession of vows (note193) in the course of a solemn celebration. As the sisters were making their vows, I heard angels singing in various tones, “Holy, Holy, Holy,” with chanting so delightful that no human tongue could ever match it.
1112. In the afternoon, I talked with my beloved Mother Directress of Novices, Mother Mary Joseph. We walked once around the garden, and I was able to have a talk with her, although it was a rather general one. She is ever the same beloved Mother Directress of Novices, although she is in fact no longer the directress, but a Superior, and it is already ten years since I pronounced my vows. She told me that it is impossible for a religious to live without the cross. However, she revealed to me a certain suffering which I had experienced in Warsaw, although I had never told her about it. All the graces which I had received during the novitiate came back vividly before the eyes of my soul. Oh, how grateful I am to her! When my soul was plunged in darkness, and it seemed to me that I was damned, she wrenched me from that abyss by the power of obedience.
1113. My soul is often burdened with suffering, and there is no human being who can understand these torments.
1114. May 1, 1937. Today I felt the nearness of my Mother, my heavenly Mother, although before every Holy Communion I earnestly ask the Mother of God to help me prepare my soul for the coming of Her Son, and I clearly feel Her protection over me. I entreat Her to be so gracious as to enkindle in me the fire of God’s love, such as burned in Her own pure heart at the time of the Incarnation of the Word of God.
1115. May 4. Today I went to see Mother General [Michael] for a moment and asked her, “Dear Mother, have you had nay inspiration regarding my leaving the convent?” Mother General answered, “Until the present, Sister, I have always restrained you, but now I leave you complete freedom to choose to do as you wish; you can leave the Congregation or you can stay.” So I answered, “Very well.” I thought of writing immediately to the Holy Father to ask him to release me from my vows. (note194) When I had left Mother General, darkness once again descended upon my soul, as it had in the past. It is strange that, each time I ask permission to leave the Congregation, this darkness invades my soul, and I feel as though I have been left completely on my own. While experiencing this torment of the spirit, I decided to go immediately to Mother and tell her about my strange torment and struggle. Mother answered, “That leaving of yours is a temptation.” After talking to her for a while I felt some relief, but the darkness persisted. “This Divine Mercy is a beautiful thing, and it must be a great work of the Lord, since Satan opposes it so much and wants to destroy it.” Such were the words of our beloved Mother General.
1116. No one can understand or comprehend, nor can I myself describe, my torments. But there can be no sufferings greater than this. The sufferings of the martyrs are not greater because, at such times, death would be a relief for me. There is nothing to which I can compare these sufferings, this endless agony of the soul.
1117. May 5, , Today, I opened up my soul somewhat in confession, because it occurred to me that perhaps this is the real temptation: that at the time I ask to be allowed to leave the Congregation I experience such great suffering and darkness. To this the confessor replied that perhaps it was not the time appointed by God. “You must pray and wait patiently, but it is true that great sufferings are in store for you. You will have to bear many sufferings and overcome many difficulties; that much is certain. It would be better to wait and to pray much for deeper knowledge and for divine light. These are grave matters.”
1118. My God! In these difficult moments my spiritual director [Father Andrasz] is away, for he has gone to Rome. Jesus, since You have taken him away from me, guide me Yourself, because You alone know how much I can bear. I believe firmly that God cannot give me more than I can bear. I trust in His mercy.
1119. In the moments when I am between heaven and earth, I keep silent, because even if I did speak, who would understand what I say? Eternity will reveal many things about which I am now silent …
1120. When I went out into the garden, I saw how everything was breathing the joy of spring. The trees, adorned with flowers, gave off an intoxicating odor. Everything was throbbing with joy, and the birds were singing and chirping their adoration of God and said to me, “Rejoice and be happy, Sister Faustina”; but my soul remains in torment and darkness. My soul is so sensitive to the rustle of grace [that] it knows how to talk with all created things and with everything that surrounds me, and I know why God has adorned the earth in this way…. But my heart cannot be joyful because my Beloved has hidden Himself from me, and I will not rest until I find Him…. I do not know how to live without God, but I also feel that God, absolutely self-sufficient though He is, cannot be happy without me. . . .