Second Notebook – Paragraphs 891-900
891. January 21, , Since early morning today, I have been wondrously united with the Lord. In the evening, the hospital chaplain visited me. After we had talked for a while, I felt my spirit beginning to immerse itself in God, and I began to lose all sense of what was happening around me. I ardently implored Jesus, “Give me the ability to talk.” And the Lord granted that I could talk freely with him. But there was a moment when I could not understand what the priest was saying. I heard his voice, but it was impossible for me to understand him, and I apologized for not understanding him although I could hear his voice. This is a moment of the grace of union with God, but imperfect, because exteriorly the senses are acting imperfectly too. There is no total immersion in God; that is, suspension of the senses, as often happens when one neither sees nor hears anything exteriorly, the whole soul being freely absorbed in God. When such a grace visits me, I want to be alone, and I ask Jesus to protect me from the eyes of creatures. I was really very embarrassed before the priest, but I was reassured, because he got to know a little of my soul in confession.
892. Today the Lord gave me to know, in spirit, about the Convent of divine Mercy. I saw a great spirit in this convent, but everything was poor and very scanty. O my Jesus, you are allowing me to live in spirit with these souls, but perhaps I shall never set foot there; but may Your Name be blessed, and whatever You have intended, may it be done.
893. January 22, , Today is Friday. My soul is in a sea of suffering. Sinners have taken everything away from me. But that is all right; I have given everything away for their sake that they might know that You are good and infinitely merciful. I shall be faithful to You, come rain or shine.
894. Today the doctor decided that I am not to go to Mass, but only to Holy Communion. I wanted very much to assist at Mass, but my confessor, (note162) in agreement with the doctor, told me to obey. “It is God’s will, Sister, that you should get well, and you must not undertake mortifications of any kind. Be obedient, Sister, and God will reward you for it.” I felt that the confessor’s words were Jesus’ words, and although it made me sad to miss Holy Mass, during which God had been granting me the grace of seeing the Infant Jesus; nevertheless, I placed obedience above everything else.
I became absorbed in prayer and said my penance. Then I suddenly saw the Lord, who said to me, My daughter, know that you give Me greater glory by a single act of obedience than by long prayers and mortifications. Oh, how good it is to live under obedience, to live conscious of the fact that everything I do is pleasing to God!
895. January 23, , I did not feel like writing today. Then I heard a voice in my soul: My daughter, you do not live for yourself but for souls; write for their benefit. You know that My will as to your writing has been confirmed many times by your confessors. You know what is pleasing to Me, and if you have any doubts about what I am saying, you also know whom you are to ask. I grant him light to pronounce judgment on my case. My eye watches over him. My daughter, you are to be like a child towards him, full of simplicity and candor. Put his judgment above all My demands. He will guide you according to My will. If he doesn’t allow you to carry out My demands, be at peace; I will not judge you, but the matter will remain between Me and him. You are to be obedient.
896. January 25, 1937. Today my soul is steeped in bitterness. O Jesus, O my Jesus, today everyone can add to my cup of bitterness. It makes no difference whether they be friend or foe, they can all inflict suffering on me. And You, O Jesus, are bound to give me strength and power in these difficult moments. O Blessed Host, support me and seal my lips against ail murmuring and complaint. When I am silent, I know I shall be victorious.
897. January 27, 1937. I feel considerable improvement in my health. Jesus is bringing me from the gates of death to life, because there was so little left but for me to die, and lo, the Lord grants me the fullness of life. Although I am still to remain in the sanatorium, I am almost completely well. I see that the will of God has not yet been fulfilled in me, and that is why I must live, for I know that if I fulfill everything the Lord has planned for me in this world, He will not leave me in exile any longer, for heaven is my home. But before we go to our Homeland, we must fulfill the will of God on earth; that is, trials and struggles must run their full course in us.
898. O my Jesus, You are giving me back my health and life; give me also strength for battle, because I am unable to do anything without You. Give me strength, for You can do all things. You see that I am a frail child, and what can I do: I know the full power of Your mercy, and I trust that You will give me everything your feeble child needs.
899. I have desired death so much! I do not know whether I shall ever again in my life experience such great longing for God. There have been times when I fell into a swoon for Him. Oh, how ugly the earth when one knows heaven! I must do violence to myself in order to live. O will of God, you are my nourishment.
900. Oh, how colourless and full of misunderstandings is this life! My patience is exercised, and after it comes experience. I understand and learn many things each day and see that I know very little, and I am constantly discovering faults in my conduct. Still, I am not discouraged by this, but thank God that He deigns to grant me His light that I may know myself.