Second Notebook – Paragraphs 871-880
871. + My Master, cause my heart never to expect help from anyone, but I will always strive to bring assistance, consolation and all manner of relief to others. My heart is always open to the sufferings of others; and I will not close my heart to the sufferings of others, even though because of this I have been scornfully nicknamed “dump”; that is, [because] everyone dumps his pain into my heart. [To this] I answered that everyone has a place in my heart and I, in return, have a place in the Heart of Jesus. Taunts regarding the law of love will not narrow my heart. My soul is always sensitive on this point, and Jesus alone is the motive for my love of neighbor.
872. January 7. During the Holy Hour, the Lord allowed me to taste His Passion. I shared in the bitterness of the suffering that filled His soul to overflowing. Jesus gave me to understand how a soul should be faithful to prayer despite torments, dryness, and temptations; because oftentimes the realization of God’s great plans depends mainly on such prayer. If we do not persevere in such prayer, we frustrate what the Lord wanted to do through us or within us. Let every soul remember these words: “And being in anguish, He prayed longer.” I always prolong such prayer as much as is in my power and in conformity with my duty.
873. January 8. On Friday morning, as I was going to the chapel to attend Holy Mass, I suddenly saw a huge juniper tree on the pavement and in it a horrible cat who, looking angrily at me, blocked my way to the chapel. One whisper of the name of Jesus dissipated all that. I offered the whole day for dying sinners. During Holy Mass, I felt the closeness of the Lord in a special way. After Holy Communion, I turned my gaze with trust toward the Lord and told him, “Jesus, I so much desire to tell You something.” And the Lord looked at me with love and said, And what is it that you desire to tell Me?
“Jesus, I beg You, by the inconceivable power of Your mercy, that all the souls who will die today escape the fire of hell, even if they have been the greatest sinners. Today is Friday, the memorial of Your bitter agony on the Cross; because Your mercy is inconceivable, the Angels will not be surprised at this.” Jesus pressed me to His Heart and said, My beloved daughter, you have come to know well the depths of My Mercy. I will do what you ask, but unite yourself continually with My agonizing Heart and make reparation to My justice. Know that you have asked Me for a great thing, but I see that this was dictated by your pure love for Me; that is why I am complying with your requests.
874. Mary, Immaculate Virgin, take me under Your special protection and guard the purity of my soul, heart and body. You are the model and star of my life.
875. Today, I experienced a great suffering during the visit of our sisters. I learned of something that hurt me terribly, but I controlled myself so that the sisters didn’t notice anything. For some time, the pain was tearing my heart apart, but all that is for the sake of poor sinners O Jesus, for poor sinners Jesus, my strength, stay close to me, help me …
876. January 10, 1937. I asked the Lord today to give me strength in the morning so that I could go to receive Holy Communion. My Master, I ask You with all my thirsting heart to give me, if this is according to Your holy will, any suffering and weakness that You like – I want to suffer all day and all night – but please, I fervently beg You, strengthen me for the one moment when I am to receive Holy Communion. You see very well, Jesus, that here they do not bring Holy Communion to the sick; so, if You do not strengthen me for that moment so that I can go down to the chapel, how can I receive You in the Mystery of Love? And You know how much my heart longs for You. O my sweet Spouse, what’s the good of all these reasonings? You know how ardently I desire You, and if you so choose You can do this for me.
On the following morning, I felt as if I were perfectly well; the faintings and the weaknesses ceased. But as soon as I returned from the chapel, all the sufferings and weaknesses immediately returned, as if they had been waiting for me. But I had no fear of them at all, because I had been nourished by the Bread of the Strong. I boldly look at everything; even death itself I look straight in the eye.
877. + O Jesus concealed in the Host, my sweet Master and faithful Friend, how happy my soul is to have such a Friend who always keeps me company. I do not feel lonely even though I am in isolation. Jesus-Host, we know each other – that is enough for me.
878. January 12, 1937. Today, when the doctor [Adam Silberg] making his rounds came to see me, he somehow didn’t like the way I looked. Naturally, I was suffering more, and so my temperature had gone up considerably. Consequently, he decided I must not go down for Holy Communion until my temperature dropped to normal. I said, “All right,” although pain seized my heart; but I said I would go only if I had no fever. So he agreed to that. When the doctor left, I said to the Lord, “Jesus, now it is up to You whether I shall go or not,” and I didn’t think about it anymore, although the thought kept coming to my mind: I am not to have Jesus – no, that’s impossible – and not just once but for several days, until my temperature drops. But in the evening, I said to the Lord, “Jesus, if my Communions are pleasing to You, I beg You humbly, grant that I have not one degree of fever tomorrow morning.”
In the morning, as I was taking my temperature, I thought to myself, “If there is even one degree, I will not get up because that would be contrary to obedience.” But when I looked at the thermometer, there wasn’t even one degree of fever. I jumped to my feet at once and went to Holy Communion. When the doctor came and I told him that I had had not even one degree of fever, and so had gone to Holy Communion, he was surprised. I begged him not to make it difficult for me to go to Holy Communion, for it would have an adverse effect on the treatment. The doctor answered, “For peace of conscience, and at the same time to avoid difficulties for yourself, Sister, let us make the following agreement: when the weather is fine, and it isn’t raining, and you feel all right, then, Sister, please go; but you must weigh these matters in your conscience.” It made me very happy that the doctor was being so considerate for my sake. You see, Jesus, that I have already done whatever was up to me; now I am counting on You and am quite at peace.
879. I saw Father Andrasz as he was saying Holy Mass today. Before the Elevation, I saw the Infant Jesus with His hands spread out, and He was very joyous; then, after a moment, I saw nothing more. I was in my room and I continued making my thanksgiving. But later on, I thought to myself, “Why was the Infant Jesus so merry: After all, He is not always so merry when I see Him.” Then I heard these words interiorly: Because I am very much at home in his heart. And I was not at all surprised at this, because I know he loves Jesus very much.
880. My union with the dying is still as close as ever. Oh, how incomprehensible is God’s mercy that the Lord allows me, by my unworthy prayer, to come to the aid of the dying. I try to be at the side of every dying person whenever I can. Have confidence in God, for He is good and inconceivable. His mercy surpasses our understanding.