Second Notebook – Paragraphs 651-660
651. O Incomprehensible God, how great is Your mercy! It surpasses the combined understanding of all men and angels. All the angels and all humans have emerged from the very depths of Your tender mercy. Mercy is the flower of love. God is love, and mercy is His deed. In love it is conceived; in mercy it is revealed. Everything I look at speaks to me of God’s mercy. Even God’s very justice speaks to me about His fathomless mercy, because justice flows from love.
652. There is one word I heed and continually ponder; it alone is everything to me; I live by it and die by it, and it is the holy will of God. It is my daily food. My whole soul listens intently to God’s wishes. I do always what God asks of me, although my nature often quakes and I feel that the magnitude of these things is beyond my strength. I know well what I am of myself, but I also know what the grace of God is, which supports me.
653. April 25, 1936. Walendow. On that day, the suffering in my soul was more severe than ever before. From early morning, I felt as if my body and soul had separated. I felt that God’s presence had penetrated my whole being; I felt all the justice of God within me; I felt I stood alone before God. I thought: one word from my spiritual director would set me entirely at peace; but what can I do? – he is not here. However, I decided to seek light in holy confession. When I uncovered my soul to the priest, (note134) he was afraid to continue hearing my confession, and that caused me even greater suffering. When I see that a priest is fearful, I do not obtain any inner peace. So I have decided that only to my spiritual director will I open my soul in all matters, from the greatest to the least, and that I will follow his directions strictly.
654. Now I understand that confession is only the confessing of one’s sins, and spiritual guidance is a different thing altogether. But this is not what I want to speak about. I want to tell about a strange thing that happened to me for the first time. When the confessor started talking to me, I did not understand a single word. Then I saw Jesus Crucified and He said to me, It is in My Passion that you must seek light and strength. After the confession, I meditated on Jesus’ terrible Passion, and I understood that what I was suffering was nothing compared to the Savior’s Passion, and that even the smallest imperfection was the cause of this terrible suffering. Then my soul was filled with very great contrition, and only then I sensed that I was in the sea of the unfathomable mercy of God. Oh, how few words I have to express what I am experiencing! I feel I am like a drop of dew engulfed in the depths of the bottomless ocean of divine mercy.
655. + May 11,1 936. I came to Cracow. I was happy that at last I shall be able to carry out all that the Lord Jesus was demanding.
Once, when I was speaking with Father A…. [Andrasz] and had told him everything, I received this answer: “Sister, pray till the day of the Feast of the Most Sacred Heart and add some mortification to the prayer, and on the Feast of the Sacred Heart I will give you an answer.” But one day, I heard this voice in my soul: Fear nothing; I am with you. After these words, I felt such an urgency within me that, without waiting for the Feast of the Sacred Heart, I said during confession that I was going to leave the Congregation immediately. Father answered, “Sister, since you have made the decision by yourself, then take the responsibility for yourself. Go.” I was happy to be leaving.
The following morning, God’s presence suddenly left me. A great darkness came over my soul. I could not pray. Because of this sudden loss of the presence of God, I decided to postpone the matter for a while, until I had talked with Father.
Father A. [Andrasz] answered that such changes in souls were frequent, and that this was not an obstacle to action.
656. When I talked to Mother General [Michael] about everything that had happened to me, she said, “Sister, I am locking you in the tabernacle with the Lord Jesus; wherever you go from there, that will be the will of God.”
657. June 19. When we went to the Jesuits’ place for the procession of the Sacred Heart, during Vespers I saw the same rays coming forth from the Sacred Host, just as they are painted in the image. My soul was filled with great longing for God.
June, 1936. Conversation with Father A. [Andrasz]
658. “Know that these are hard and difficult things. Your principal spiritual director is the Holy Spirit. We can only give direction to these inspirations, but your real director is the Holy Spirit. If you yourself have decided to leave, Sister, I neither prohibit nor order you to do so. You take the responsibility for yourself. I say this to you, Sister: you can begin to take action. You are capable of doing so, and therefore you can do so. These things are indeed probable; all you have told me up to now [before perpetual vows in Cracow in 1 933] speaks in favor of taking action. Still, you have to be very careful in all this. Pray much and ask that I be given light.”
659. During Holy Mass, offered by Father Andrasz, I saw the little Infant Jesus, who told me that I was to depend on him for everything: No action undertaken on your own, even though you put much effort into it, pleases Me. I understood this [need of] dependence.
660. O my Jesus, on the day of the last judgment, You will demand from me an account of this work of mercy. O Just Judge, but my Spouse as well, help me to do Your holy will. O mercy, O divine virtue!
O most Merciful Heart of Jesus, my Spouse, make my heart like Your own.