First Notebook – Paragraphs 311-320
311. When I received permission from my confessor [Father Sopocko] to make this act of oblation, I soon learned that it was pleasing to God, because I immediately began to experience its effects. In a moment my soul became like a stone – dried up, filled with torment, and disquiet. All sorts of blasphemies and curses kept pressing upon my ears. Distrust and despair invaded my heart. This is the condition of the poor people, which I have taken upon myself. At first, I was very much frightened by these horrible things, but during the first [opportune] confession, I was set at peace.
312. + Once when I went outside the convent to go to confession [St. Michael’s Church], I chanced upon my confessor [Father Sopocko] saying Mass just then. After a while, I saw the Child Jesus on the altar, joyfully and playfully holding out His hands to him. But a moment later the priest took the beautiful Child into his hands, broke Him up and ate Him alive. At the first instant I felt a dislike for the priest for having done this to Jesus, but I was immediately enlightened in the matter and understood that this priest was very pleasing to God.
313. + Once, when I was visiting the artist [Eugene Kazimirowski] who was painting the image, and saw that it was not as beautiful as Jesus is, I felt very sad about it, but I hid this deep in my heart. When we had left the artist’s house, Mother Superior [Irene] stayed in town to attend to some matters while I returned home alone. I went immediately to the chapel and wept a good deal. I said to the Lord, “Who will paint You as beautiful as You are?” Then I heard these words: Not in the beauty of the color, nor of the brush lies the greatness of this image, but in My grace.
314. + When I went to the garden one afternoon, my Guardian Angel said to me, “Pray for the dying.” And so I began at once to pray the rosary with the gardeners for the dying. After the rosary, we said various prayers for the dying. After the prayers, the wards began to chat gaily among themselves. In spite of the noise they were making, I heard these words in my soul: “Pray for me!” But as I could not understand these words very well, I moved a few steps away from the wards, trying to think who it could be who was asking me to pray. Then I heard the words: “I am Sister ” (note78) This sister was in Warsaw while I was, at the time, in Vilnius. “Pray for me until I tell you to stop. I am dying.” Immediately, I began to pray fervently for her, [addressing myself] to the expiring Heart of Jesus. She gave me no respite, and I kept praying from three [o’clock] until five. At five, I heard the words: “Thank you!” and I understood that he had died. But during Holy Mass, on the following day, I continued to pray fervently for her soul. In the afternoon, a postcard came saying that Sister …. Had died at such and such a time. I understood that it was at the same hour when she had said to me, “Pray for me.”
315. + Mother of God, Your soul was plunged into a sea of bitterness; look upon Your child and teach her to suffer and to love while suffering. Fortify my soul that pain will not break it. Mother of grace, teach me to live by [the power of] God.
316. Once, the Mother of God came to visit me. She was sad. Her eyes were cast down. She made it clear that She wanted to say something, and yet, on the other hand, it was as if She did not want to speak to me about it. When I understood this, I began to beg the Mother of God to tell me and to look at me. Just then Mary looked at me with a warm smile and said, You are going to experience certain sufferings because of an illness and the doctors; you will also suffer much because of the image, but do not be afraid of anything. The next day I fell ill and suffered a great deal, just as the Mother of God had told me. But my soul was ready for the sufferings. Suffering is a constant companion of my life.
317. O my God, my only hope, I have placed all my trust in You, and I know I shall not be disappointed.
318. I often feel God’s presence after Holy Communion in a special and tangible way. I know God is in my heart. And the fact that I feel Him in my heart does not interfere with my duties. Even when I am dealing with very important matters which require attention, I do not lose the presence of God in my soul, and I am closely united with Him. With Him I go to work, with Him I go for recreation, with Him I suffer, with Him I rejoice; I live in Him and He in me. I am never alone, because He is my constant companion. He is present to me at every moment. Our intimacy is very close, through a union of blood and of life.
319. August 9, 1934. Night adoration on Thursdays. (note79) I made my hour of adoration from eleven o’clock till midnight. I offered it for the conversion of hardened sinners, especially for those who have lost hope in God’s mercy. I was reflecting on how much God has suffered and on how great was the love He had shown for us, and on the fact that we still do not believe that God loves us so much. O Jesus, who can understand this? What suffering it is for our Savior! How can He convince us of His love if even His death cannot convince us? I called upon the whole of heaven to join me in making amends to the Lord for the ingratitude of certain souls.
320. Jesus made known to me how very pleasing to Him were prayers of atonement. He said to me, The prayer of a humble and loving soul disarms the anger of My Father and draws down an ocean of blessings. After the adoration, half way to my cell, I was surrounded by a pack of huge black dogs who were jumping and howling and trying to tear me to pieces. I realized that they were not dogs, but demons. One of them spoke up in a rage, “Because you have snatched so many souls away from us this night, we will tear you to pieces.” In answered, “If that is the will of the most merciful god, tear me to pieces, for I have justly deserved it, because I am the most miserable of all sinners, and God is every holy, just, and infinitely merciful.” To these words all the demons answered as one, “Let us flee, for she is not alone; the Almighty is with her!” And they vanished like dust, like the noise of the road, while I continued on my way to my cell undisturbed, finishing my Te Deum and pondering the infinite and unfathomable mercy of God.