First Notebook – Paragraphs 261-270
261. + I am already in Vilnius today. A few scattered tiny huts make up the convent. It seems a bit strange to me after the large buildings of Jozefow. There are only eighteen sisters here. The house is small, but the community life is more intimate. All the sisters received me very warmly, which was for me a great encouragement to endure the hardships that lay ahead. Sister Justine had even scrubbed the floor in anticipation of my arrival.
262. + When I went to Benediction, Jesus enlightened me on how I was to conduct myself in respect to certain persons. I clung with all my might to the most sweet Heart of Jesus, knowing how much I would be exposed to external distractions because of the work I would be doing here in the garden, where I necessarily would be in close contact with lay persons.
263. + The week for confession came and, to my great joy, I saw the priest I had known before coming to Vilnius. [That is to say,] I had known him by seeing him in a vision. At that moment, I heard these words in my soul: This is My faithful servant; he will help you to fulfill My will here on earth. Yet, I did not open myself to him as the Lord wishes. And for some time I struggled against grace. During each confession, God’s grace penetrated me in a very special way, yet I did not reveal my soul before him, and I had the intention of not going to confession to that priest. After this decision, a terrible anxiety entered my soul. God reproached me severely. When I did lay bare my soul completely to this priest, Jesus poured an ocean of graces into it. Now I understand what it means to be faithful to a particular grace. That one grace draws down a whole series of others.
264. + 0 my Jesus, keep me near to You! See how weak I am! I cannot go a step forward by myself; so You, Jesus, must stand by me constantly like a mother by a helpless child – and even more so.
265. Days of work, of struggle, and of suffering have begun. Everything continued according to the convent routine. One is always a novice, having to learn many things and to get to know about many things, because although the rule is the same, each house has its own customs; and thus, each change is a little novitiate.
August 5, 1933, The Feast of our Lady of Mercy.
266. Today I received a great and incomprehensible grace, a purely interior one, for which I will be grateful to God throughout this life and in eternity…
267. Jesus told me that I please Him best by meditating on His sorrowful Passion, and by such meditation much light falls upon my soul. He who wants to learn true humility should reflect upon the Passion of Jesus. When I meditate upon the Passion of Jesus, I get a clear understanding of many things I could not comprehend before. I want to resemble You, O Jesus, – You crucified, tortured, and humiliated. Jesus, imprint upon my heart and soul Your own humility. I love You, Jesus, to the point of madness, You who were crushed with suffering as described by the prophet [cf. Isaiah 53:2-9], as if he could not see the human form in You because of Your great suffering. It is in this condition, Jesus, that I love You to the point of madness. O eternal and infinite God, what has love done to You?….
268. October 11, 1933. -Thursday.- I tried to make a Holy Hour, but began it with great difficulty. A certain yearning started to tear at my heart. My mind was dimmed so that I could not understand the simplest forms of prayer. And so passed by an hour of prayer, or rather of struggle. I resolved to pray for a second hour, but my inner suffering increased – great dryness and discouragement. I resolved to pray for a third hour. In the third hour, which I resolved to spend kneeling without any support, my body started to clamor for rest. But I in no way relented. I stretched out my arms and though I spoke no words, I persisted by sheer will. After a while, I took the ring off my finger and asked Jesus to look at the ring, that sign of our eternal union, and I offered Jesus the feelings I had on the day of perpetual vows. After a while, I feel my heart inundated with a wave of love. A sudden recollection of spirit, the senses quiet down, and God’s presence pervades my soul. I know only this: that it is Jesus and I. I saw Him just as He had appeared to me in that instant after my perpetual vows, when I was likewise making a Holy Hour. Jesus was suddenly standing before me, stripped of His clothes, His body completely covered with wounds, His eyes flooded with tears and blood, His face disfigured and covered with spittle. The Lord then said to me, The bride must resemble her Betrothed. I understood these words to their very depth. There is no room for doubt here. My likeness to Jesus must be through suffering and humility. See what love of human souls has done to Me. My daughter, in your heart I find everything that so great a number of souls refuses Me. Your heart is My repose. I often wait with great graces until towards the end of prayer.
269. Once, when I had finished a novena to the Holy Spirit for the intention of my confessor [Father Sopocko], the Lord answered, I made him known to you even before your superiors had sent you here. As you will act towards your confessor, so I will act toward you. If you conceal something from him, even though it be the least of My graces, I too will hide Myself from you, and you will remain alone. And so I followed God’s wish, and a deep peace filled my soul. Now I understand how the Lord defends confessors and how He protects them.
Advice of the rev. Dr. Sopocko.
270. Without humility, we cannot be pleasing to God. Practice the third degree of humility; (note76) that is, not only must one refrain from explaining and defending oneself when reproached with something, but one should rejoice at the humiliation.
If the things you are telling me really come from God, prepare your soul for great suffering. You will encounter disapproval and persecution. They will look upon you as a hysteric and an eccentric, but the Lord will lavish His graces upon you. True works of God always meet opposition and are marked by suffering. If God wants to accomplish something, sooner or later He will do so in spite of the difficulties. Your part, in the meantime, is to arm yourself with great patience.