First Notebook – Paragraphs 251-260
251. After perpetual vows, I stayed in Cracow throughout the month of May, because it was undecided whether I was to go to Rabka or to Vilnius. Once Mother General [Michael] asked me, “Why are you sitting here so quietly and not getting ready to go somewhere, Sister?” I answered, “I want to do God’s pure will; wherever you bid me to go, dear Mother, I will know God’s pure will for me will be there, without any admixture on my part.”
Mother General replied to this, “Very well!” The next day she summoned me and said, “You wanted to have God’s pure will, Sister; very well, then; you are going to Vilnius.” I thanked her and awaited the day when I would be told to go. However, my soul was filled with a certain joy and fear, at one and the same time. I felt that God was preparing great graces for me there, but also great sufferings. Yet, I stayed on in Cracow until the 27 th of May. As I had no regular duties, I only went to help in the garden. And, as it happened that I worked all alone for the whole month, I was able to make a Jesuit retreat. (note74) Although I went to community recreation, I still managed to make the Jesuit retreat. I received much light from God during this time.
252. + lt was four days after my perpetual vows. I was trying to make a Holy Hour. It was the first Thursday of the month. As soon as I entered the chapel, god’s presence enveloped me. I was distinctly aware that the Lord was near me. After a moment, I saw the Lord, all covered with wounds; and He said to me, Look at whom you have espoused. I understood the meaning of these words and answered the Lord, “Jesus, I love You more when I see You wounded and crushed with suffering like this than if I saw You in majesty.” Jesus asked, Why? I replied, “Great majesty terrifies me, little nothing that I am and Your wounds draw me to Your Heart and tell me of your great love for me.” After this conversation there was silence. I fixed my gaze upon His sacred wounds and felt happy to suffer with Him. I suffered, and yet I did not suffer, because I felt happy to know the depth of His love, and the hour passed like a minute.
253. + I must never judge anyone, but look at others with leniency and at myself with severity. I must refer everything to God and, in my own eyes, recognize myself for what I am: utter misery and nothingness. In suffering, I must be patient and quiet, knowing that everything passes in time.
254. + The moments I lived through when I was taking my perpetual vows are better left unsaid.
I am in Him, and He in me. As the Bishop [Rospond] was putting the ring on my finger, God pervaded my whole being, and since I cannot express that moment, I will be silent about it. My relationship with God, since perpetual vows, has been more intimate than it had ever been before. I sense that I love God and that He loves me. Having once tasted God, my soul could not live without Him. One hour spent at the foot of the altar in the greatest dryness of spirit is dearer to me than a hundred years of worldly pleasures. I prefer to be a lowly drudge in the convent than a queen in the world.
255. +1 will hide from people’s eyes whatever good I am able to do so that God Himself may be my reward. I will be like a tiny violet hidden in the grass, which does not hurt the foot that treads on it, but diffuses its fragrance and, forgetting itself completely, tries to please the person who has crushed it underfoot. This is very difficult for human nature, but God’s grace comes to one’s aid.
256. + Thank You, Jesus, for the great favor of making known to me the whole abyss of my misery. I know that I am an abyss of nothingness and that, if Your holy grace did not hold me up, I would return to nothingness in a moment. And so, with every beat of my heart, I thank You, my God, for Your great mercy towards me.
257. Tomorrow I am to leave for Vilnius. Today, I went to confession to Father Andrasz, this priest who is so filled with the spirit of God, who untied my wings so that I could soar to the highest summits. He reassured me in everything and told me to believe in Divine Providence. “Have confidence and walk ahead with courage.” An extraordinary, divine power came over me after that confession. Father stressed that I must be faithful to God’s grace and said, “No harm will come to you if, in the future, you continue to keep this same simplicity and obedience. Have confidence in God; you are on the right path and in good hands, in God’s hands.”
258. + That evening, I remained in the chapel a little longer. I talked to the Lord about a certain soul. Encouraged by His goodness, I said, “Jesus, you gave me this Father who understands my inspirations, and now You are taking him away from me again. What am I going to do in this Vilnius? I don’t know anyone there, and even the dialect of the people there is foreign to me.” And the Lord said to me, Do not fear; I will not leave you to yourself. My soul drowned itself in a prayer of thanksgiving for all the graces that the Lord had granted me through the mediation of Father Andrasz.
Suddenly, I remembered the vision in which I had seen that priest between the confessional and the altar, trusting that I would meet him some day. And the words I had heard came back vividly: He will help you to fulfill My will here on earth.
259. Today, 27 [May 1933], I am leaving for Vilnius. When I came out of the house, I looked at the garden and the house, and when I cast a glance at the novitiate, tears suddenly ran down my cheeks. I remembered all the blessings and graces bestowed on me by the Lord. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, I saw the Lord by the flower bed and He said to me, Do not weep; I am with you always. God’s presence, which enveloped me as Jesus was speaking, accompanied me throughout the journey.
260. I had permission to visit Czestochowa while on my journey. I saw the Mother of God [image] for the first time, when I went to attend the unveiling of the image at five in the morning,. I prayed without interruption until eleven, and it seemed to me that I had just come. The Superior of the house there [Mother Serafin (note75)] sent a sister for me, to tell me to come to breakfast and said she was worried that I would miss my train. The Mother of God told me many things. I entrusted my perpetual vows to Her, I felt that I was her child and that She was my Mother. She did not refuse any of my requests.