First Notebook – Paragraphs 211-220
211. + Once again, a terrible darkness envelops my soul. It seems to me that I am falling prey to illusions. When I went to confession to obtain some light and peace, I did not find these at all. The confessor (note66) left me with even more doubts than I had before. He said to me, “I cannot discern what power is at work in you, Sister, perhaps it is God and perhaps it is the evil spirit.” When I left the confessional, I started to think about his words. The longer I did so, the deeper my soul sank into darkness. “Jesus, what am I to do?” When Jesus approached me with kindness, I was frightened, “Are you really Jesus?” On the one hand, I am drawn by love and, on the other, by fear. What torture! I cannot describe it!
212. When I went to confession again, I got the answer, “I do not understand you Sister. It would be better if you did not come to me for confession.” O my God!. I have to do such violence to myself before I say anything about my spiritual life, and here I am getting this answer: “Sister, I do not understand you!”
213. When I left the confessional, a multitude of torments oppressed me. I went before the Blessed Sacrament and said, “Jesus, save me; You see how weak I am!” Then I heard these words, I will give you help during the retreat before the vows. Encouraged by these words, I began to go forward without asking anyone’s advice. But I distrusted myself so much that I made up my mind to put an end to the doubts once and for all. I therefore looked forward with special eagerness to the retreat before perpetual vows. But even for many days before the retreat, I kept on asking God to give light to the priest who would hear my confession, so that he could say, once and for all, either yes or no. And I thought to myself, “I’ll be set at peace once and for all.” But I continued to worry whether anyone would be willing to hear me out concerning all these matters. And yet again, I decided not to think about all this and to put my trust in the Lord. The words that continued to ring in my ears were: “during the retreat.”
214. Everything is now ready. Tomorrow morning we are leaving for Cracow, for the retreat. Today I entered the chapel to thank the Lord for the countless graces He has bestowed on me during these five months. My heart was deeply touched at the thought of so many graces and so much care on the part of the superiors.
215. My daughter, be at peace; I am taking all these matters upon Myself. I will arrange all things with your superiors and with the confessor. Speak to father Andrasz with the same simplicity and confidence with which you speak to Me.
216. We have come to Cracow today [April 18, 1933]. What a joy it is to find myself again where I took my first steps in the spiritual life! Dear Mother Directress [Mary Joseph] is ever the same, cheerful and full of love of neighbor. I entered the chapel for a moment and joy filled my soul. In a flash I recalled the whole ocean of graces that had been given me as a novice here.
217. And today we gathered together to go for an hour’s visit to the novitiate. The Mother Directress, Mary Joseph, gave us a short talk and outlined the program of the retreat. As she spoke these few words to us, I saw before my eyes all the good things this dear Mother had done for us. I felt in my soul such a profound gratitude toward her. My heart grieved at the thought that this was the last time I would be in the novitiate. Now I must battle together with Jesus, work with Jesus, suffer with Jesus; in a word, live and die with Jesus. Mother Directress will no longer be at my heels to teach me here, warn me there, or to admonish, encourage or reproach me. I am so afraid of being on my own. Jesus, do something about this. I will always have a superior, that’s true; but now a person is left more on her own.
Cracow, April 21 , 1933
+ For the Greater Glory of God
The Eight-day Retreat before Perpetual Vows.
218. I am beginning the retreat today, Jesus, my Master, guide me. Govern me according to Your will, purify my love that it may be worthy of You, do with me as Your most merciful Heart desires. Jesus, there will be just the two of us during these days until the moment of our union. Keep me, Jesus, in a recollected spirit!
219. In the evening, the Lord said to me, My daughter, let nothing frighten or disconcert you. Remain deeply at peace. Everything is in My hands. I will give you to understand everything through Father Andrasz. Be like a child towards him.
A Moment Before the Blessed Sacrament
220. O my eternal Lord and Creator, how am I going to thank You for this great favor; namely, that You have deigned to choose miserable me to be Your betrothed and that You are to unite me to Yourself in an eternal bond? O dearest Treasure of my heart, I offer You all the adoration and thanksgiving of the Saints and of all the choirs of Angels, and I united myself in a special way with Your Mother. O Mary, my Mother, I humbly beg of You, cover my soul with Your virginal cloak at this very important moment of my life, so that thus I may become dearer to Your Son and may worthily praise Your Son’s mercy before the whole world and throughout all eternity.