Fifth Notebook – Paragraphs 1331-1340
1331. Jesus, You Yourself have deigned to lay the foundations of my sanctity, as my cooperation has not amounted to much. You have taught me to set no store on the use and choice of created things, because my heart is, of itself, so weak. And this is why I have asked You, O my Master, to take no heed of the pain of my heart, but to cut away whatever might hold me back from the path of love. I did not understand You, Lord, in times of sorrow, when You were effecting Your work in my soul; but today I understand You and rejoice in my freedom of spirit. Jesus Himself has seen to it that my heart has not been caught in the snares of any passion. I have come to know well from what dangers he has delivered me, and therefore my gratitude to my God knows no bounds.
1332. Second day. As I was meditating on the sin of the Angels and their immediate punishment, I asked Jesus why the Angels had been punished as soon as they had sinned. I heard a voice: Because of their profound knowledge of God. No person on earth, even though a great saint, has such knowledge of God as an Angel has. Nevertheless, to me who am so miserable, You have shown Your mercy, O God, and this, time and time again. You carry me in the bosom of Your mercy and forgive me every time that I ask Your forgiveness with a contrite heart.
1333. Profound silence engulfs my soul. Not a single cloud hides the sun from me. I lay myself entirely open to its rays, that His love may effect a complete transformation in me. I want to come out of this retreat a saint, and this, in spite of everything; that is to say, in spite of my wretchedness, I want to become a saint, and I trust that God’s mercy can make a saint even out of such misery as I am, because I am utterly in good will. In spite of all my defeats, I want to go on fighting like a holy soul and to comport myself like a holy soul. I will not be discouraged by anything, just as nothing can discourage a soul who is holy. I want to live and die like a holy soul, with my eyes fixed on You, Jesus, stretched out on the Cross, as the model for my actions, I used to look around me for examples and found nothing which sufficed, and I noticed that my state of holiness seemed to falter. But from now on, my eyes are fixed on You. O Christ, who are for me the best of guides, I am confident that You will bless my efforts.
1334. + In the meditation of sin, the Lord gave me to know all the malice of sin and the ingratitude that is contained in it. I feel within my soul a great aversion for even the smallest sin. However, the eternal truths I have been meditating on do not bring even a shadow of disturbance or unrest into my soul. And although I take them very much to heart, my contemplation is not thereby interrupted. In this contemplation, it is not transports of the heart that I experience, but a depth of peace and a wonderful silence. Although my love is great, I experience an extraordinary equilibrium. Even receiving the Eucharist causes no feeling, but brings me to a depth of union where my love and God’s love are fused together as one.
1335. + Jesus has made known to me that I should pray for the sisters who are making the retreat. During prayer, I learned of the struggle that some are undergoing, and I redoubled my prayers.
1336. + In this profound silence, I am better able to judge the condition of my soul. My soul is like clear water in which I can see everything: both my misery and the vastness of God’s graces. And owing to this true knowledge of itself, my spirit is strengthened in deep humility. I expose my heart to the action of Your grace like a crystal exposed to the rays of the sun. May Your image be reflected in it, O my God, to the extent that it is possible to be reflected in the heart of a creature. Let Your divinity radiate through me. O You who dwell in my soul.
1337. As I was praying before the Blessed Sacrament and greeting the five wounds of Jesus, at each salutation I felt a torrent of graces gushing into my soul, giving me a foretaste of heaven and absolute confidence in God’s mercy.
1338. As I write these words, I hear the cry of Satan: “She’s writing everything, she’s writing everything, and because of this we are losing so much! Do not write about the goodness of God; He is just!” And howling with fury, he vanished.
1339. O merciful God, You do not despise us, but lavish Your graces on us continuously. You make us fit to enter Your kingdom, and in Your goodness You grant that human beings may fill the places vacated by the ungrateful angels. O God of great mercy, who turned Your sacred gaze away from the rebellious angels and turned it upon contrite man, praise and glory be to Your unfathomable mercy, O God who do not despise the lowly heart.
1340. My Jesus, despite these graces which You send upon me, I feel that my nature, ennobled though it be, is not completely stilled; and so I keep a constant watch. I must struggle with many faults, knowing well that it is not the struggle which debases one, but cowardice and failure.