Forth Notebook – Paragraphs 1261-1270
1261. September 1, 1937. I saw the Lord Jesus, like a king in great majesty, looking down upon our earth with great severity; but because of his Mother’s intercession He prolonged the time of His mercy.
1262. September 3. First Friday of the month. During Holy Mass, I became united with God. Jesus gave me to know that even the smallest thing does not happen on earth without His will. After having seen this, my soul entered into an unusual repose; I found myself completely at peace as to the work in its full extent. God can deal with me as He pleases, and I will bless Him for everything.
1263. Up to now, I have been wondering, with some fear, where these inspirations would lead me. My fear increased when the Lord made known to me that I was to leave this Congregation. This is the third year passing by since that time, and my soul has felt, in turns, enthusiasm and an urge to act – and then I have a lot of courage and strength – and then again, when the decisive moment to undertake the work draws near, I feel deserted by God, and because of this an extraordinary fear pervades my soul, and I see that it is not the hour intended by God to initiate the work. These are sufferings about which I don’t even know how to write. God alone knows what I put up with, day and night. It seems to me that the worst torments of the martyrs would be easier for me to bear than what I am going through, though without the shedding of a drop of blood. But all this is for souls, for souls, Lord …
1264. Act of total abandonment to the will of God, which is for me, love and mercy itself.
Act of Oblation
Jesus-Host, whom I have this very moment received into my heart, through this union with You I offer myself to the heavenly Father as a sacrificial host, abandoning myself totally and completely to the most merciful and holy will of my God. From today onward, Your will, Lord, is my food. Take my whole being; dispose of me as You please. Whatever Your fatherly hand gives me, I will accept with submission, peace and joy. I fear nothing, no matter in what direction You lead me; helped by Your grace I will carry out everything You demand of me. I no longer fear any of Your inspirations nor do I probe anxiously to see where they will lead me. Lead me, O God, along whatever roads You please; I have placed all my trust in Your will which is, for me, love and mercy itself.
Bid me to stay in this convent, I will stay; bid me to undertake the work, I will undertake it; leave me in uncertainty about the work until I die, be blessed; give me death when, humanly speaking, my life seems particularly necessary, be blessed. Should You take me in my youth, be blessed; should You let me live to a ripe old age, be blessed. Should You give me health and strength, be blessed; should you confine me to a bed of pain for my whole life, be blessed. Should you give only failures and disappointments in life, be blessed. Should You allow my purest intentions to be condemned, be blessed. Should You enlighten my mind, be blessed. Should You leave me in darkness and all kinds of torments, be blessed.
From this moment on, I live in the deepest peace, because the Lord Himself is carrying me in the hollow of His hand. He, Lord of unfathomable mercy, knows that I desire Him alone in all things, always and everywhere.
1265. Prayer. O Jesus, stretched out upon the cross, I implore You, give me the grace of doing faithfully the most holy will of Your Father, in all things, always and everywhere. And when this will of God will seem to me very harsh and difficult to fulfill, it is then I beg You, Jesus, may power and strength flow upon me from Your wounds, and may my lips keep repeating, “Your will be done, O Lord.” O Savior of the world, Lover of man’s salvation, who in such terrible torment and pain forget Yourself to think only of the salvation of souls, O most compassionate Jesus, grant me the grace to forget myself that I may live totally for souls, helping You in the work of salvation, according to the most holy will of Your Father …
1266. August 5, , (note209) The Lord let me know how much our dear Mother Superior [Irene] is defending me against…. Not only by prayer but also by deed. Thank You, Jesus, for this grace. It will not go unrequited in my heart; when I am with Jesus, I do not forget about her.
1267. September 6, 1937. Today, I begin a new assignment. I go from the garden to the desert of the gate. (note210) I went in to talk to the Lord for a while. I asked Him for a blessing and for graces to faithfully carry out the duties entrusted to me. I heard these words: My daughter, I am always with you. I have given you the opportunity to practice deeds of mercy which you will perform according to obedience. You will give Me much pleasure if, each evening, you will speak to Me especially about this task. I felt that Jesus had given me a new grace in relation to my new duties; but, despite this, I have locked myself deeper in His Heart.
1268. Today I felt more ill, but Jesus has given me many more opportunities on this day to practice virtue. It so happened that I was busier than usual, and the sister in charge of the kitchen made it clear to me how irritated she was that I had come late for dinner, although it was quite impossible for me to have come sooner. At any rate, I felt so unwell that I had to ask Mother Superior to allow me to lie down. I went to ask Sister N. to take my place, and again I got a scolding: “What is this, Sister, you’re so exhausted that you’re going back to bed again! Confound you with all this lying in bed!” I put up with all that, but that wasn’t the end. I still had to ask the sister who was in charge of the sick to bring me my meal. When I told her this, she burst out of the chapel into the corridor after me to give me a piece of her mind: “Why on earth are you going to bed, Sister, etc ” I asked her not to bother bringing me anything. I am writing all this very briefly because it is not my intention to write about such things, and I am doing so merely to dissuade souls from treating others in this way, for this is displeasing to the Lord. In a suffering soul we should see Jesus Crucified, and not a loafer or burden on the community. A soul who suffers with submission to the will of God draws down more blessings on the whole convent than all the working sisters. Poor indeed is a convent where there are no sick sisters. God often grants many and great graces out of regard for the soul who are suffering, and He withholds many punishments solely because of the suffering souls.
1269. O my Jesus, when shall we look upon souls with higher motives in mind? When will our judgments be true? You give us occasions to practice deeds of mercy, and instead we use the occasions to pass judgment. In order to know whether the love of God flourishes in a convent, one must ask how they treat the sick, the disabled, and the infirm who are there.
1270. September 10, , I learned in the course of meditation that the purer the soul, the greater her communion with God on the spiritual level. She pays little heed to the senses and their protests. God is a Spirit, and so I love Him in spirit and in truth.