Third Notebook – Paragraphs 1161-1170
1161. Today, my soul suffered such agony that I began to complain to the Lord Jesus, “Jesus, how can You leave me alone? I cannot take even one step forward by myself. You have taken my confessor away, and You Yourself are hiding from me. Surely, You know, Jesus, that of myself I know nothing but how to waste Your graces. Jesus, You must arrange things so that Father Andrasz will return.” But the anguish persisted.
1162. It occurred to me to go to some priest and tell him of my anguish as well as some various inspirations, that he might resolve them for me; and I shared this idea with Mother Superior [Irene], Mother replied, “I understand, Sister, that you are going through a difficult time, but at present, I really do not know of any priest who would be suitable for you. At any rate, Father Andrasz will be returning soon. So, for now, go and tell everything to the lord Jesus.”
1163. When I went to talk with the Lord for a while, I heard a voice in my soul: My – I will not give you the grace to reveal yourself to someone else, and even if you did bare yourself, I will not give that priest the grace needed to understand you. At this time, it is My desire that you put up with yourself patiently. My daughter, it is not My will that you should tell everybody about the gifts I have granted you. I have entrusted you to the care of the friend of My Heart, and under his direction your soul will bloom. I have given him light to recognize My life in your soul.
1164. My daughter, when I was before Herod, I obtained a grace for you; namely, that you would be able to rise above human scorn and follow faithfully in My footsteps. Be silent when they do not want to acknowledge your truth, because it is then that you speak more eloquently.
1165. Know this, My daughter: if you strive for perfection you will sanctify many souls; and if you do not strive for sanctity, by the same token, many souls will remain imperfect. Know that their perfection will depend on your perfection, and the greater part of the responsibility for these souls will fall on you.
1166. Then He said to me, Do not fear, My child; but remain faithful only to My grace …
1167. Satan has admitted to me that I am the object of his hatred. He said that “a thousand souls do me less harm than you do when you speak of the great mercy of the Almighty One. The greatest sinners regain confidence and return to God, and I lose everything. But what is more, you persecute me personally with that unfathomable mercy of the Almighty One.” I took note of the great hatred Satan has for the Mercy of God. He does not want to acknowledge that God is good.
1168. June 29, 1937. During breakfast today, Father Andrasz greeted the whole community by telephone. He is already back [from Rome], and this very afternoon he came to see us. The professed sisters, the novices, and both groups of students assembled in the quadrangle [the girls’ playground in front of the building] and waited for our dear Father. The children welcomed him with songs and poems, and then we asked him to tell us about Rome and the many beautiful things he had seen there. Ho spoke for over two hours and, because of this, there was no time left to talk in private.
1169. Today, my soul entered into close union with the Lord. He made known to me how I should always abandon myself to His holy will: In one moment, I can give you more than you are able to desire.
1170. June 30, 1937. Today, the Lord said to me, I have wanted to exalt this Congregation many times, but I am unable to do so because of its pride. Know, My daughter, that I do not grant My graces to proud souls, and I even take away from them the graces I have granted.