Second Notebook – Paragraphs 831-840
831. O my Jesus, my soul was yearning for the days of trial, but do not leave me alone in the darkness of my soul. Rather, do You hold me firmly, close to Yourself. Set a guard over my lips, so that the fragrance of my sufferings may be known and pleasing to You alone.
832. O merciful Jesus, how longingly You hurried to the Upper Room to consecrate the Host that I am to receive in my life. Jesus, You desired to dwell in my heart. Your living Blood unites with mine. Who can understand this close union? My heart encloses within itself the Almighty, the Infinite One. O Jesus, continue to grant me Your divine life. Let Your pure and noble Blood throb with all its might in my hart. I give You my whole being. Transform me into Yourself and make me capable of doing Your holy will in all things and of returning Your love. O my sweet Spouse, You know that my heart knows no one but You. You have opened up in my heart an insatiable depth of love for You. From the very first moment it knew You, my heart has loved You and has lost itself in You as its one and only object. May Your pure and omnipotent love be the driving force of all my actions,. Who will ever conceive and understand the depth of mercy that has gushed forth from Your Heart?
833. I have experienced how much envy there is, even in religious life. I see that there are few truly great souls, ready to trample on everything that is not God. O soul, you will find no beauty outside of God. Oh, how fragile is the foundation of those who elevate themselves at the expenses of others! What a loss!
834. December 19, . This evening, I felt in my soul that a certain person had need of my prayer. Immediately, I began to pray. Suddenly, I realize interiorly and am aware of who the spirit is who is asking this of me; I pray until I feel at peace. There is great help for the dying in this chaplet. I often pray for an intention that I have learned of interiorly. I always pray until I experience in my soul that the prayer has had its effect.
835. Especially now, while I am in this hospital, I experience an inner communion with the dying who ask me for prayer when their agony begins. God has given me a wondrous contact with the dying! Since this has been happening more frequently, I have been able to verify it, even to the exact hour.
Today I was awakened suddenly at eleven o’clock at night and clearly felt the presence near me of some spirit who was asking me for prayer. Some force simply compelled me to pray. My vision is purely spiritual, by means of a sudden light that God grants me at that moment. I keep on praying until I feel peace in my soul, and not always for an equally long time; because sometimes it happens that with one “Hail Mary” I am already at peace, and then I say the De Profundis and pray no longer. And sometimes it happens that I pray the entire chaplet and only then feel at peace. I have also discovered that if I feel constrained to pray for a longer time; that is to say, I experience interior unrest, the soul is undergoing a greater struggle and is going through a longer final agony.
This is how I have verified the exact time: I have a watch, and I look to see what time it is. On the following day, when they tell me about that person’s death, I ask them about the time, and it exactly corresponds, as does the length of the person’s last agony. They say to me, “Such and such a person died today, but she passed away quickly and peacefully.” It sometimes happens that the dying person is in the second or third building away, yet for the spirit, space does not exist. It sometimes happens that I know about a death occurring several hundred kilometers away. This has happened several times with regard to my family and relatives and also sisters in religion, and even souls whom I have not known during their lifetime.
O God of fathomless mercy, who allow me to give relief and help to the dying by my unworthy prayer, be blessed as many thousand times as there are stars in the sky and drops of water in all the oceans! Let Your mercy resound throughout the orb of the earth, and let is rise to the foot of Your throne, giving praise to the greatest of Your attributes; that is, Your incomprehensible mercy. O God, this unfathomable mercy enthralls anew all the holy souls and all the spirits of heaven. These pure spirits are immersed in holy amazement as they glorify this inconceivable mercy of God, which in turn arouses even greater admiration in them, and their praise is carried out in a perfect manner. O eternal God, how ardently I desire to glorify this greatest of Your attributes; namely, Your unfathomable mercy. I see all my littleness, and cannot compare myself to the heavenly beings who praise the Lord’s mercy with holy admiration. But I, too, have found a way to give perfect glory to the incomprehensible mercy of God.
836. O most sweet Jesus, who have deigned to allow miserable me to gain a knowledge of Your unfathomable mercy; O most sweet Jesus, who have graciously demanded that I tell the whole world of Your incomprehensible mercy, this day I take into my hands the two rays that spring from Your merciful Heart; that is, the Blood and the Water; and I scatter them all over the globe so that each soul may receive Your mercy and, having received it, may glorify it for endless ages. O most sweet Jesus who, in Your incomprehensible kindness, have deigned to unite my wretched heart to Your most merciful Heart, it is with Your own Heart that I glorify God, our Father, as no soul has ever glorified Him before.
837. December 21, [1 936]. The radio is always playing in the afternoon, so I feel the loss of silence. All morning long, there is ceaseless talk and noise. My God, I was looking forward to being in silence, happy that I should be talking only with the Lord, and here it is just the opposite. Yet, nothing disturbs me now, neither the talking nor the radio. In a word – nothing. By the grace of God, when I am praying I do not even know where I am; I know only that my soul is united with the Lord. And thus I pass my days in this hospital.
838. + I marvel at how many humiliations and sufferings that priest accepts in this whole matter. (note153) I see this at particular times, and I support him with my unworthy prayers. Only God can give one such courage; otherwise one would give up. But I see with joy that all these adversities contribute to God’s greater glory. The Lord has few such souls. O infinite eternity, you will make manifest the efforts of heroic souls, because the earth rewards their efforts with hatred and ingratitude. Such souls do not have friends; they are solitary. And in this solitude, they gain strength; they draw their strength from God alone. With humility, but also with courage, they stand firmly in the face of all the storms that beat upon them. Like high-towering oaks, they are unmoved. And in this there is just this one secret: that it’s from God that they draw this strength, and everything whatsoever they have need of, they have for themselves and for others. They not only carry their own burden, but also know how to take on, and are capable of taking on, the burdens of others. They are pillars of light along God’s ways; they live in light themselves and shed light upon others. They themselves live on the heights, and know how to show the way to lesser ones and help them attain those heights.
839. + My Jesus, You see that I do not know how to write well and, on top of that, I don’t even have a good pen. And often it scratches so badly that I must put sentences together, letter by letter. And that is not all. I also have the difficulty of keeping secret from the sisters the things I write down, and so I often have to shut my notebook every few minutes, and listen patiently to someone’s story, and then the time set aside for writing is gone. And when I shut the notebook suddenly, the ink smears. I write with the permission of my superiors and at the command of my confessor. It is a strange thing: sometimes the writing goes quite well, but at other times, I can hardly read it myself.
840. December 23, . I am spending this time with the Mother of God and preparing myself for the solemn moment of the coming of the Lord Jesus. The Mother of God is instructing me in the interior life of the soul with Jesus, especially in Holy Communion. It is only in eternity that we shall know the great mystery effected in us by Holy Communion. O most precious moments of my life!