First Notebook – Paragraphs 401-410
401. The days at home passed in much company, as everybody wanted to se me and talk with me. Often I could count as many as twenty-five people there. They listened with great interest to my accounts of the lives of the saints. It seemed to me that our house was truly the house of God, as each evening we talked about nothing but God. When, tired from these talks and yearning for solitude and silence, I quietly slipped out into the garden in the evening so I could converse with God alone, even in this I was unsuccessful; immediately my brothers and sisters came and took me into the house and, once again, I had to talk, with all those eyes fixed on me. But I struck on one way of getting some respite; I asked my brothers to sing for me, inasmuch as they had lovely voices; and besides, one played the violin and another, the mandolin. And during this time I was able to devote myself to interior prayer without shunning their company.
What also cost me a lot was that I had to kiss the children. The women I knew came with their children and asked me to take them in my arms, at least for a moment, and kiss them. They regarded this as a great favor, and for me it was a chance to practice virtue, since many of the children were quite dirty. But in order to overcome my feelings and show no repugnance, I would kiss such a dirty child twice. Once of these friends came with a child whose eyes were diseased and filled with pus, and she said to me, “Sister, take it in your arms for a moment, please.” My nature recoiled, but not paying attention to anything, I took the child and kissed it twice, right on the infection, asking God to heal it.
I had many opportunities to practice virtue. I listened to people pour out their grievances, and I saw that no heart was joyful, because no heart truly loved God; and this did not surprise me at all. I was very sorry not to have seen two of my sisters. I felt interiorly that their souls were in great danger. Pain gripped my heart at the thought of them. Once, when I felt very close to God, I fervently asked the Lord to grant them grace, and the Lord answered me, I am granting them not only necessary graces, but special graces as well. I understood that the Lord would call them to a greater union with Him. I rejoice immensely that such great love reigns in our family.
402. As I was taking leave of my parents and asking for their blessing, I felt the power of the grace of God being poured out upon my soul. My father, my mother and my godmother blessed me with tears in their eyes, wishes me the greatest faithfulness to God’s graces, and begged me never to forget how many graces God had granted me in calling me to the religious life. They asked me to pray for them. Although everyone was crying, I did not shed a single tear; I tried to be brave and comforted them as best I could, reminding them of heaven where there would be no more parting. Stanley walked me to the car. I told him how much God loves pure souls and assured him God was satisfied with him. When I was telling him about the goodness of god and of how He thinks of us, he burst out crying like a little child, and I was not surprised, for this was a pure soul and, as such, more capable of recognizing God.
403. Once I was in the car, I let my heart have its way, and I, too, cried like a baby, for joy that God was granting our family so many graces, and I became steeped in a prayer of thanksgiving.
By evening I was already in Warsaw. Firstly, I greeted the Lord of the house [Jesus in the Eucharist], and then I went to greet the whole community.
404. When I entered the chapel to say goodnight to the Lord before retiring, and apologized for having talked so little to Him when I was at home, I heard a voice within my soul, I am very pleased that you had not been talking with Me, but were making My goodness known to souls and rousing them to love Me.
405. Mother Superior [Mary Joseph] said to me, “We are both going to Jozefinek tomorrow, Sister, and you will have chance to talk with Mother General [Michael].” I was delighted. Mother General was ever the same, full of goodness, peace and the Spirit of God. I had a long talk with her. We attended the afternoon service. The Litany of the Sacred Heart of Jesus was sung. The Lord Jesus was exposed in the monstrance.
406. After a short while, I saw the little Jesus, who came out from the Host and rested in my hands. This lasted for a moment; immense joy flooded my soul. The Child Jesus had the same appearance as He had the time we entered the Chapel with Mother Superior – my former Directress, Mary Joseph. The next day I was already back in my beloved Vilnius.
407. Oh, how happy I felt to be back in our convent! I felt as though I was entering the convent for the second time. I took unending delight in the silence and peace in which the soul can so easily immerse itself in God, helped by everyone and disturbed by no one.
The Great Lent
408. When I become immersed in the Lord’s Passion, I often see the Lord Jesus, during adoration, in this manner: after the scourging, the torturers took the Lord and stripped Him of His own garment, which had already adhered to the wounds; as they took it off, His wounds reopened; then they threw a dirty and tattered scarlet cloak over the fresh wounds of the Lord. The cloak, in some places, barely reached His knees. They made Him sit on a piece of beam. And then they wove a crown of thorns, which they put on His sacred head. They put a reed in His hand and made fun of Him, bowing to Him as to a king. Some spat in His face, while others took the reed and struck Him on the head with it. Others caused him pain by slapping Him; still others covered His face and struck Him with their fists. Jesus bore all this with meekness. Who can comprehend Him – comprehend His suffering? Jesus’ eyes were downcast. I sensed what was happening in the most sweet Heart of Jesus at that time. Let every soul reflect on what Jesus was suffering at that moment. They tried to outdo each other in insulting the Lord. I reflected: Where does such malice in man come from? It is caused by sin. Love and sin have met.
409. When I was attending Mass in a certain church with another sister, I felt the greatness and majesty of God; I felt the church was permeated by God. His majesty enveloped me and, though it terrified me, it filled me with peace and joy. I knew that nothing could oppose His will. Oh, if only all souls knew who is living in our churches, there would not be so many outrages and so much disrespect in these holy places!
410. O eternal and incomprehensible Love, I beg You for one grace: enlighten my mind with light from on high; help me to know and appreciate all things according to their value. I feel the greatest joy in my soul when I come to know the truth.